What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
