i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
