Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I would ride that face into the sunset
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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