I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It's Friday. Sex?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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