Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize