I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
