I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
