Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
