All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
