Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
