Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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