oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize