Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
