so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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