i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
