we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
