When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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