i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
