Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize