if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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