It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize