Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
sarcasm needs its own font
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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