I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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