I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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