I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
