You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
