Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you inspire me to be a worse person
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
