I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
