Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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