life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
