I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
