I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
