I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
