So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
