apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
