Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
