if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize