If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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