Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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