Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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