last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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