Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
