Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We were destined to go to rehab together
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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