Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
