She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
