Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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