I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize