Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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