I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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