I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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