Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
