I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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