sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
