My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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