i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
