Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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