Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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