Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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