I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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