My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
