Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
