time to smoke my breakfast
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize