Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
