He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize