Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
