I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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