So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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