did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Randomize
