why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
