Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize