Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
