last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
