Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
