it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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