You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hippo gnu deer
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
