Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
