I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
