jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
